As a single mum, I’ve now spent a considerable amount of my time trying out various forms of dating. I spent a couple of happy months with a guy who was a connection of a friend. I’ve had a series of horrendous dates from Tinder, and one or two from Plenty of Fish. I’ve spoken to more blokes than you can shake a shitty stick at, with varying degrees of success.
As a result, I’ve pretty much heard it all by now. I’ve been dumped for having trust issues, told I wouldn’t get a second date because I can’t commit much time, and even been dumped-before-even-meeting by someone who told me I had mentioned my son in three consecutive texts, and that wasn’t right. I know that there are so many things that I can say that will send a guy running for the hills, but do you know what? They have to be said. They are true, and I’m so sick and tired of hiding and not saying these things, that I’m just going to get them out there right now.
- You are not my first priority, and you won’t be for at least another 16 years. Sorryyy.
- Yes, I talk about my child a lot. He is my everything, and most of my stories or news of what I’ve been up to include him. Don’t tell me that I talk about him too much.
- My ambitions are not that exciting any more. A house with a front and back door is about as good as it gets!
- I don’t shave my legs every day. I sometimes don’t even shower every day. I know. I’m so goshdarn hot.
- Two nights off a week is not a lot when you work and try to not live in a shithole house.
- I try not to live in a shithole house.
- However, my house is full of toys. Not that kind.
- Actually, that’s a lie. I do also have that kind of toy. Because, you know, needs and stuff.
- My house is also still full of stuff that belongs to my ex – I mean, stuff apart from his son, chortle chortle – but it’s all out of sight, out of mind. If Glasgow was destroyed tomorrow, future historians would probably find the contents of my attic and think it was a 21st century shrine, like Tutankhamun’s pyramid, albeit to the shittiest Pharaoh ever.
- I don’t need a guy to “keep” me, but if you want to buy me some flowers or something, they won’t go amiss. Actually, sod the flowers. Buy me gin.
- My little boy doesn’t need a daddy, because he has one – but that doesn’t mean that I won’t be looking for the qualities of a good dad in a future potential partner.
- I spend my entire life putting someone else first. Treat me like a motherfucking princess but know that it isn’t because I’m needy, or high maintenance. It’s maybe just high time that someone did.
- I’ll probably try to tell you not treat me like a princess because I am woman, hear me roar, who run the world, girls girls. Buy me a Lush bath melt and tell me to shut the fuck up.
- Because my time is so limited, if I’m choosing to spend it with you, you should be really happy – if I’ve tackled number 4 as well, you should probably just take me home already.
- I look like absolute crap most of the time. Actually, sometimes I am even covered in crap. Sexy.
- I am emotionally broken. If you want a girl with no baggage, I am not her.
- It’s completely understandable that I’m broken and have issues. You can’t expect someone to go through the shit some of us have without being damaged by it.
- Having said that, if you think I have issues because I’m not letting you into my pants, that’s actually your issue.
- I have this weird minimum standard thing. I don’t want to spend what little time I have with a complete fud, so I will want to get to know you better. I’ll want to speak to you on the phone, or message you, or build that rapport. I’m not being clingy – I’m just making sure that I’m not wasting my time.
- I am unfailingly, unstintingly trusting and optimistic, and I want to beg people not to abuse that trust…but I never do, and they always do, and then I end up getting pissed on wine and crying behind my flat door because everything is shit and people are shit and relationships are shit and everything is shit. And then I get over it and don’t learn any lessons from it.
- If you send me a photo of your dick, I’m going to assume that you’re a sex offender or an overgrown teenage boy who isn’t good enough for me, or both of the above.
- Unless you can provide me with a PVG check, two character references and some kind of pass in a Parenting Practical Exam, you aren’t meeting or being left alone with my kid any time soon. If you do meet him, remember that he is my everything: don’t be weird.
Now, if you’d kindly bugger off – I have a hot date with a Lush bath bomb, a glass of wine and a Jasper Fforde novel…
One Single Mama x